So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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