I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
