I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
