He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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