Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
