Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
