Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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