Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
