i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
