I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
