I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
