tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
