you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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