I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
