So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
