What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
