I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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