I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
