Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
