You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
