The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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