That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
