her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Randomize
