I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize