my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
