Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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