I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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