I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am naked and annoyed.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
