I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
