____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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