nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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