I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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