i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
