I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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