i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
