Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
