jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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