Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
