I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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