he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
