hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
