I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
