dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
