i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
