Soap is not a condiment
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
