Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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