And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
