foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
