Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
