I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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