SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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