I accidentally had phone sex last night
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
