her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
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Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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