the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
